More than any other relationship being a parent is a true roller-coaster of amazing highs and frustrating lows. And so it is not uncommon for people to contemplate for themselves, or investigate from others, whether being a parent is a worthwhile venture.
I have contemplated this thought often too. Whether late at night after a long day which minced professional difficulties with the challenges of backtalk from a 9 year old or in the middle of a near perfect Sunday brunch where every child is angelic, the answer is not straightforward but generally the same. Mine may not be that poetic but there are two in recent literature that really resonate.
“Whenever people ask me about having children or not having children, I never tell them what to do," Morrie said now, looking at a photo of his oldest son. "I simply say, `There is no experience like having children.' That's all. There is no substitute for it. You cannot do it with a friend. You cannot do it with a lover. If you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children.” - Tuesday with Morrie, Mitch Albom
“That message is simple: When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.”
― When Breath Becomes Air, Paul Kalanithi
We raise our kids based on some construct of what we should be as parents. We are not perfect, same as our kids, and as our lives together. Still if all goes well we may arrive at a point where our emotions and experiences are enmeshed in a way that the good cannot be teased from the bad.
The limbic system is a funny thing. For some reason whenever I think on this topic, I am reminded of a cot in the veranda at my maternal grandparents home. It was comfortable and had a classic weave of a soft rope crisscrossing in two major directions. I would sit there and pretend to read the newspaper when I was 8, and later on just sit for a bit and take my shoes off when I came home after hours of playing cricket. The memory of that cot evokes comfort. But I also remember often wondering whether the rope could hold the weight of a person so easily if it wasn’t in that crisscross pattern. What would happen if you removed the rope in one direction, just took it away. You can probably guess. The cot could hold the weight but it would easily give way between the strands and well it just wouldn’t be a cot anymore.
Image from Pinterest: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/6a/10/32/6a10328bf326893bc355de32cb0179ec.jpg
So it is that our experiences bring us to a point that when asked about our roles as parents we can readily the see the mesh of the good and bad moments that crisscross and make our life what it is. We may at times wonder what life would be like if one direction were gone but we know all too well that the thing falls apart.
There is no other human relationship that lets you experience unconditional love as when you are a parent. But to be fair with so much love comes frustration, fear, and sometimes even anger. We must let all experiences settle in and trust ourselves to do our best. If life finds us worthy we find support in our tribe of parents, learn more about being a parent for every day of being one, and keep making good memories.
And if you do your job well then the 9 year old usually comes over while you are doing some apparently important work stuff after dinner and says, “Daddy, can you read with me?”