Authenticity - When do we have it

“But above all, in order to be, never try to seem.”

― Albert Camus, Notebooks, 1935-1951

If you have engaged social media platforms in the last decade, especially in a professional context, you‘ve almost certainly come across this word, authenticity, as one of the core values espoused by leaders, and writers who cover them.

Even before social media, the notion of authenticity has been studied and discussed because it is a fundamental aspect of our identity.  More recently, from Adam Grant to Jay-Z to Zadie Smith, writers and thought leaders have tried to express who they are, and why it matters.

https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/authenticity-quotes_2

I have been thinking about it lately too.  Not too long ago, in one of the professional social media groups I belong to, the issue at hand was “can doctors conduct entrepreneurial side businesses in medicine related ventures and retain authenticity?”

The best way to explore the issue is by starting with a definition.  If you love language like I do, you will agree that there is sheer joy in just exploring the meaning of a word.  So, what is authenticity, after all?  From dictionary.com : 

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/authentic

authentic

[aw-then-tik]

SEE SYNONYMS FOR authentic ON THESAURUS.COM

adjective

1. not false or copied; genuine; real: an authentic antique.

2. having an origin supported by unquestionable evidence; authenticated; verified: 

an authentic document of the Middle Ages; an authentic work of the old master.

3. representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified: 

a story told in the authentic voice of a Midwestern farmer; a senator’s speech that sounded authentic.

4. entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experience; reliable; trustworthy: 

an authentic report on poverty in Africa.

5. Law. 

executed with all due formalities: 

an authentic deed.

6. Music. 

(of a church mode) having a range extending from the final to the octave above. Compare plagal.

(of a cadence) consisting of a dominant harmony followed by a tonic.

7. Obsolete. authoritative.

——

For the purpose of our discussion, I am cherry picking a bit, focusing on the first meaning provided: not false or copied; genuine; real.  One of the most joyful parts of writing is that when you start to put thoughts into words, like a wild vine they start to send out offshoots in unpredictable ways.  But I am going to contain that for now, for the sake of a simpler discussion.

When it comes to our actions, authenticity is a two-sided phenomenon.  

Firstly, only we can know our truest desires and values so only we can attest to the inward pointing aspect of authenticity.  All of us have some ongoing sense of what matters to us so we can judge the actions that we take as being aligned with our core values or not.  Still, from self-imposed pressures and competing priorities, familial and professional expectations, all the way to societal norms, we can find ourselves pursuing actions in personal, professional, or financial arenas that when examined are in fact not aligned with our core values.  This disconnect is at the core of our personal conflict.

So internal authenticity means to be congruent between our values and our actions.

Secondly, the people around us come to expect us to behave in a certain way, usually based on our consistent past behavior.  Thus, it is a matter of how we want to be seen and then show who we are to the world.  When we put forth a particular image of ourselves but our actions are not aligned, it is quite obvious to those around us.  This lack of consistency comes across as lack of honesty or lack of clarity.

So external authenticity means projecting ourselves in a way that our actions can be consistent thereafter.

What is important to recognize is that the internal and external views of authenticity are not different, per se, but a continuum.  We have to stay true to our values for ourselves and share the same with others.  And the second part, and this is harder, we have to strive to present ourself in a way that does not compromise our values in the first place, especially when being seen by the people in our lives .  

Before we end, let's also focus some attention to the last definition provided above.  Authenticity is, in some sense, related to an authoritative stance.  Based on the internal/external view, and the last definition another way to think about this is...

authenticity = authority + integrity

In our lives, especially our professional lives where second chances may be less easy to come by than our personal lives, we want people to acknowledge our authenticity.  At the same time no one can be a bigger cheerleader for our core values than us.  When our demonstration of our authority in any arena is in integrity with our values, our internal and external views become as one, and we can both experience and display authenticity.

Electric Moments in my daily life

When I started this blog, I decided I would share as many of my thoughts as I reasonably could, including the very personal one.  After dealing with a weighty issue of authenticity, it was time to test it out in my own writing by sharing something I feel strongly about.  This is the story of loss and recovery, grief and joy, of having to let go before finding new directions.

Yes, you guessed it. This post is about my new favorite electric razor/trimmer.

I've been shaving my head for more than a decade, ever since I bit the bullet on dealing with hair loss.  For anyone who uses electric devices for facial or head haircare, there are some common concerns:

1. Open rotary blade elements shaver vs covered or open side-to-side moving element.  If you shave your head, the latter, side-to-side movement element with the optional guard that helps set haircut length is optimal.

2. Wet/dry vs dry:  Chances are the wet/dry shaver is running off battery because generally speaking you wouldn't want to bring a live electric wire in the shower.  The dry only shavers or trimmers are more likely to allow usage on both the battery as well as while plugged in.  Generally speaking the wired power trimmers will have the most power as opposed to running off battery.

3. Collection of clippings:  This is the one game changer that I discovered pretty early on when I started shaving my head.  There are a couple of trimmers on the market that have a built-in vacuum based collection chamber that will catch all the clipped bits of hair thus minimizing the need for cleaning up the sink or shower area.

So the trimmer I am currently using was a serendipitous discovery.  I had been so disillusioned with older vacuum trimmer that I was planning to buy a regular open, rotary blade elements shaver/trimmer again.  But just on a whim, I searched for a vacuum trimmer one last time, and lo and behold I found...

Remington MB6850 Vacuum Stubble and Beard Trimmer

Why am I so gung-ho about this trimmer, enough to write about it?  Simply, because it works.

My previous trimmer was a Philips BT7201 Rechargeable Beard Trimmer with Vacuum.  I had been using that device for about a dozen years.  Over that time, the trimmer went through several design changes, most for the worse.  The trimmer was initially pretty affordable at about $45, had a functional vacuum, and had several removable elements that could be replaced.  The company had a generous warranty where you could sign up for a 2+ year coverage.  The cutting blade element was the most vulnerable part, which required replacements.  I would call the company, get grilled by a staff member for a bit, promise to turn over my firstborn if the broken part didn't get to the company, and after some solemn oaths and such I would get a replacement trimmer.  Over time I learned to not drop the blade while cleaning the trimmer carefully, and also closed all the delicate little plastic latches so they wouldn't break.

Over last three to four design revisions, the number of removable elements continued to decrease.  Now the current iteration is still delicate, much more expensive, and without a better performance.

I was ready to jump ship.

Enter Remington.  Philips Norelco is the leading company in the personal grooming sector.  But Remington has also been in this business for a long time.  I had never used the wired, regular models of Remington but when I stumbled on the vacuum version, I figured I'd give it a go.

The Remington model has everything that Philips gave up on, including removable/replaces shaving element, collection basket, and guard.  It comes with two different shaving element groups, one broad for the scalp and one narrower for beard/mustache. It charges well and the clippings basket is easy to access, clean, and made of plastic that is not readily breakable. The smoothness of the cut is equal or better. Ultimately, the price to value comparison makes Remington the current leader in the ‘beard trimmer WITH vacuum’ category.

My brush with "big time"

One of my goals in starting a blog (again) was to start creating a voice to address many of the issues we don’t routinely discuss in the training period of becoming a physician. To be fair, the idea that doctors should just be hard working, no family time, no outside activities stuffy types is a really old stereotype. And more recently, many physicians have started to talk openly about things they have been doing in their personal and professional lives, other than medicine, for a very long time.

I also got my MBA a decade ago with the idea of not only learning something new besides medicine, but to explore channels to express my creativity and possibly supplement my income outside of my day job. Although some of my half-hearted attempts didn’t come to fruition, the rest of my life progressed at a semi-predictable pace. And though there was a desire to do something else life has a way to interfere in our plans.

Until 2020.

This Covid19 pandemic that put an involuntary stop to much activity also brought a moment of quiet that allows for introspection on what is important. I stumbled on an event earlier this year that became a catalyst for coalescence of thoughts that had swirled independently in my mind for some time.

Since attending this event for physician entrepreneurs and joining a follow up group with a similar intent, I have made some tangible progress on my exploration of a new path, i.e. entrepreneurial ventures. As part of this group learning I also worked with a peer who has since become a friend. We did a 6 week accountability partnership, wherein each of us shared what we wanted to work on and though our goals were different we could support each other’s journey, and be a sounding board for overcoming obstacles.

My accountability partner, Dr. Amelia Bueche, runs a coaching business and general guidance on her blog at This Osteopathic Life. She and I co-wrote an article that was published on the famous KevinMD blog/platform

https://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2020/08/accountability-partnership-a-secret-ingredient-for-entrepreneurial-success.html

After the article was published, Dr. Kevin Pho invited us onto his video podcast for an interview, which was posted to general public this past Friday.

https://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2020/11/essential-tips-for-the-physician-entrepreneur-podcast.html

Kevin made it easy to have a conversation and is an excellent facilitator. I really enjoyed the experience of both the article and then the interview. I hope to do more of both soon.

Thanksgiving redux

Thanksgiving 2020 was a subdued affair. We didn’t host anyone. A neighbor we had invited couldn’t come over because their child was observing quarantine because of “potential exposure” at school. (The child is fine).

So, the bright point of our family’s thanksgiving celebration was that each of my children made at least one dish. The planned menu was just adjacent to a classic Thanksgiving menu:

• Chicken wings with a dry rub

• Green bean casserole (with Indian crunch toppings instead of fried onions)

• Cornbread

• Mashed potatoes

• Chocolate chip cookies

• Fruit cream

• Apple cider

We cooked from about 2 pm to 6 pm. I got to help guide some of the work, especially loading and unloading the oven. The photo above is a collage of all the dishes. Nothing fancy to be sure. But made with love.

And we also had an unexpected facetime call from my sister’s family, as my parents were also having dinner there. Was great to see them all around a table, even if not in the same room. We shall see each other again real soon!

—-

As the relative tone of this year and holiday is somber, thinking about all those who can’t visit us, here is a poem from poetry foundation that I thought was apropos

Thanksgiving for Two

BY MARJORIE SAISER

The adults we call our children will not be arriving

with their children in tow for Thanksgiving.

We must make our feast ourselves,

slice our half-ham, indulge, fill our plates,

potatoes and green beans

carried to our table near the window.

…

Little did we know that first picnic

how this would go. Your hair was thick,

mine long and easy; we climbed a bluff

to look over a storybook plain. We chose

our spot as high as we could, to see

…

What we didn’t see was this day, in

our pajamas if we want to,

wrinkled hands strong, wine

in juice glasses, toasting

whatever’s next,

…

Complete poem can be found at: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/58040/thanksgiving-for-two

Poem copyright ©2014 by Marjorie Saiser, “Thanksgiving for Two,” (2014). Poem reprinted by permission of Marjorie Saiser.

Cognitive Dissonance in Politics (is it new?)

A question was raised recently in my social circle:

Why is the FDA going to take 15 days to hold the first hearing for the Coronavirus vaccines? What about thousands of people who may die due to that delay?

On the face of it that is a reasonable question. Until we consider that content is great but context rules. This question was raised by someone who voted for Trump. Twice!

So I answered that while I am not a virologist, I imagine that the time was set aside for due diligence prior to the anticipated quick approval of the vaccines. And then I pressed on, “You are concerned about the death toll on account of the FDA but you say nothing about the months of mismanagement of pandemic by Donald Trump?” This led to some hand wringing and a trailing response of  “well…”.  A response as I have come to expect from all the Trump supporters in my circle. They all want to talk democratic bungling but the moment you point out a factual problem with Trump they suddenly don’t want to talk politics any more.

Although Joe Biden won the election, and that result has been certified even by the lagging controversial states, what is tragic is the divisive rhetoric that preceded this outcome and that Trump has sown and nurtured since his first anti-American volley of creating the birtherism scandal out of thin air.

Many people want to believe that people who support Trump are gullible. But that is not what I have seen. Educated, well-to-do citizens of our nation have chosen to congregate in the Trump camp, not because they like Donald Trump but because many of them are one agenda voters, generally Republican, around abortion, or taxes, or preserving the white majority of America. It is even observable that many of these folks who stand under the same tent don’t actualy hang out in the same circles or condone each other. But in order to get their pet issue addressed they are working hard to look the other way on all of Trump’s and Republican party’s generally destructive and inhumane policies of late.

The US may be a religious nation but it is not a Christian nation. The Republicans who also claim to be big fans of the original interpretation of the constitution just happen to fail to acknowledge that neither God nor Christ specifically are mentioned in the constitutional text. It actually took the first amendment to bring the word ‘religion’ into the discussion. And then too it does not favor a religion, only that the govt. will not restrict the freedom of ANY religion. The US constitution and the creation of a '“more perfect Union” were intended to be secular. Even Christ himself said, “Give back to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's.” Mark 12:17. There is nothing stopping anyone from practicing a given a religion, or to even preach to the public through social discourse. But when the religious right became the tail that wags the dog that is the Republican party, this insidious drive to push the Christian agenda on the nation became one of the greatest betrayal of our freedom, and the constitution itself. And it continues.

Marco Rubio, the junior senator from Florida, recently tweeted, “Biden’s cabinet picks went to Ivy League schools, have strong resumes, attend all the right conferences & will be polite & orderly caretakers of America’s decline,” he tweeted. “I support American greatness. And I have no interest in returning to the ‘normal’ that left us dependent on China.” This is the kind of misdirection, lying, and blatantly insulting stance that has become the norm for nearly half the nation. When did Americans become anti-education? When did it become ok to blatantly hope for and plan for explicit failure of a newly elected American president by the opposition party, even before he takes his oath? This is a replay of when President Obama was elected, and the players, from McConnell to Rubio, are many of the same ones.

To those who are itching to do a “what about…” pushback, yes the Democrats have done bad things. Harry Reid did no one any favors with his nuclear option fiasco.  Having lost the 2016 election against expectations, the Democrats spent much of the last four years fighting the legitimacy of Trump’s presidency. It is true that foreign powers have tried to interfere with our elections probably for a long time, just as the US has meddled on other countries.  But this was the first time that most of US intelligence came down pretty hard, and with evidence, that Russia was behind the online agitations, not to mention the whole Facebook scandal with Cambridge Analytica, which was an unprecedented attempted to introduce misinformation in an election cycle.  But as luck would have it the democrats could never get enough cause and evidence together to prove wrongdoing. For reasons known only to him, Robert Mueller left the country hamstrung with his half-hearted public presentations of the illness he found in the system.  All the evidence is there, and scattered, and Trump’s impeachment became a reality TV bit.

But back to where we started. The public. There are people who will make a deal with Satan himself if they can get a tax break, or overturn Roe v Wade (and put their own imprint on the lives of countless women). While some of these folks may think they are God fearing and following the scriptures, the Bible is a big book with many lessons and open interpretations. Where, for example, is the heeding of Christ’s warning to those who would cast the first stone? Where is the kindness one is to extend to his fellow man?

What this group of Trump supporters can’t see or doesn’t want to see is that by taking the right of appropriate taxation away from the legislature, and by insisting on keeping the govt. out of family planning they are in effect creating a manufactured oppression meant to keep the poor and middle class people down. It is the plantation mentality surviving off the plantation.

So all the Republicans who wanted the country to come together under Trump should want to do the same now. If their argument for the nation to unite changes because a Republican is no longer President then it would seem that they were presented a bad faith argument in the first place.

And the Democrats need to keep themselves in check, focusing on rebuilding instead of gloating. To the people who see FDA as slow, or the impending democratic presidency as a concerning, stop pretending that your stance is “for the people” when it may instead be for personal gain on whichever agenda you have found relatable. One can only hope that we will take a hard look in the mirror and decide that we will discard our hypocrisy along with the petulant man who lost an election and is still blatantly trying to create an autocratic America. Please don’t help him succeed.

Instead it behooves each one of us to revisit our conscience and to accept that we are all, Republicans and Democrats, US citizens with the same rights.  And we won’t get ahead by tearing each other down, or using our biases as crutches to overcome factual outcomes that we don’t like.  Let’s rise to a higher level and stop the cognitive dissonance of ignoring 8 months of neglect because it suited us over 15 days of delay.  Let’s focus on the beauty and the strength of the idea that is America, a country with a checkered past but with determination to improve, to be on the righteous arc as time passes us by.

How do you write...for clarity

“... It ain't alright you keep spinning out ahead

It was cold outside when I hit the ground

Said I could sleep here, forget all the fear

It will take time to grow

Maybe I don't know”

- from “And it’s still alright” by Nathaniel David Rateliff

For as long as I can remember I have been in love with words.  I grew up in India, and learned three languages from first grade onward: Punjabi, Hindi, and English. Learning multiple languages makes the brain do fun things with sounds, marvel at different ways of saying the same thing, and also realizing that our choice of words can so substantially impact how effectively we can connect with another human.

It was this love of words that has kept me fascinated with song lyrics and poetry, while my brain does not process the pathos of instrumental music with the same potency.  As my kids have become proficient in playing the piano I marvel at their ability to read notes, figure out the timings and the pauses, and ultimately be able to play and enjoy the pieces they practice.

I had not been writing for a long time and getting my blog back up at a regular (enough) pace brings not just satisfaction but thanks to 2020 and Covid19 I am tangibly feeling the therapeutic aspects of writing.  I took two courses recently, both aimed at physicians as we have to keep up with ongoing learning (continuing medical education, or CME). One of the ideas discussed in one course was “doing a thought download”. Basically, the notion is to write down everything that comes to mind for a period of time, and then use what is on paper to sort out our mind. Another way would be to start with what is most pressing and focus there. Either way, one must write it out.

I have recently started learning about life coaching and self-coaching. It is quite similar to executive coaching, which I have been familiar with for a decade since being introduced during my MBA (there are subtle differences, something to explore in another blog). As part of learning about coaching, there is a framework one can use to access our thoughts and feelings as they pertain to a given situation.  But even without getting into the depth of that framework, what is true and recommended by many professionals in the seemingly disparate realms of medicine, marketing, entrepreneurship, time management ,and cognitive therapy is the idea that putting our ideas on a piece of paper allows our brain to start dealing with the process of feeling stuck.  Often the notion of writer’s block is just the writer’s inability to put down what is on their mind on paper.  It may be that the writer doesn’t like the thought. Or there are competing thoughts. Writing it down will either make that thought more acceptable for being on paper or its departure will creates space for a new thought in the mind.  Either way, it is a resistance one can overcome through the process of writing.

Often when I am feeling stuck in writing, it is because I don’t want to deal with the feeling of what I want to write, or the topic seems so heavy that it is easier to not start.

So what I am practicing, and what I offer to you, is the idea that whether you have some thoughts running around in your mind or you are trying to deal with a situation, try writing out what you are thinking.  Do it without any filters.  You don’t have to share them with anyone.  And you can even toss/shred the papers after you are done.  But using your hands and eyes to coordinate with what your mind is trying to process gives a very different feel to problem solving or thought explorations.  You just might see things differently.

An invitation for introspection

I took a day off from posting yesterday because I was just too tired. In the past when I have tried to keep a blog the biggest reason for failure was a lack of conviction about the value of my writing for readers at large. That and running out of meaningful or impactful topics.

This time around I started writing partly because I told myself I would see it through; it was part of an accountability exercise with a friend who is working on her own goals. We are both part of a physicians group made up of people who want to explore entrepreneurship. The other reason I am optimistic about keeping this going is that this time I am willing to write just for myself and not worry about who may or may not read. Once you free yourself from impossible expectations, it becomes a lot easier, and much more fun, to write.

With that we come to tonight’s topic. Having enjoyed much prose recently, I am shifting to a new topic. It’s time for another book mention.

Clayton Christensen was a world-renowned business professor at Harvard Business School.  He was most known for his notion of 'disruptive innovation'.  He was also a man of strong faith, and lived his life as a devout Mormon.  A few years ago, he was diagnosed with lymphoma, was treated, and was in remission.  After that, he also suffered as stroke, and by all accounts recovered well.  Somewhere after lymphoma and before the stroke he wrote an article for Harvard Business Review, which was so well received that he expanded it into a book.  The book has been a best seller, and is another attempt by a living person (unlike Morrie this one is written from a first person perspective) on what might really matter in life.  This book has been a bestseller and is highly recommended.

Prof Christensen passed away at the beginning of this year. Having survived much he succumbed to leukemia. While his most famous book by all accounts is ‘The Innovator’s Dilemma’, tonight the book to highlight is the expansion of this Harvard Business Review article by the same name - How will you measure you life?

While it is a reasonable criticism to say that as to a hammer everything is a nail Prof Christensen tried to expand the influence of disruptive innovation to perhaps more than was reasonable. Still read this book if you get a chance so you too can appreciate what it takes to be excellent in thoughts and deeds.

Since we are talking poetry...

I have been posting some favorite poems or ones that match the theme of the post (it’s the same outcome either way). While there is endless supply of gorgeous poems in the English language, just as I shared a Pablo Neruda poem, originally in Spanish, so would I want to share my love for Urdu poetry. The words, the style, the tone that poems in Urdu carry is hard to define, very difficult to translate, but easy to fall in love with.

Mirza Ghalib was one of the most famous Urdu poets of the 20th century. I have tried, and generally failed, to find good translations of his work in English. My own attempts at translating feel less than useful, though I may still take another shot at it in the near future. In the meantime, here is one of his more known works. If you don’t understand hindi/urdu, this will read a bit choppy. It’s the mystic essence that is worth going after.

1.
dard minnat-kash-e davaa nah hu))aa
mai;N nah achchhaa hu))aa buraa nah hu))aa
2.
jam((a karte ho kyuu;N raqiibo;N ko
ik tamaashaa hu))aa gilaa nah hu))aa
3.
ham kahaa;N qismat aazmaane jaa))e;N
tuu hii jab ;xanjar-aazmaa nah hu))aa
4.
kitne shiirii;N hai;N tere lab kih raqiib
gaaliyaa;N khaa ke be-mazaa nah hu))aa
5.
hai ;xabar garm un ke aane kii
aaj hii ghar me;N boriyaa nah hu))aa
6.
kyaa vuh namruud kii ;xudaa))ii thii
bandagii me;N miraa bhalaa nah hu))aa
7.
jaan dii dii hu))ii usii kii thii
;haq to yuu;N hai kih ;haq adaa nah hu))aa
8.
zakhm gar dab gayaa lahuu nah thamaa
kaam gar ruk gayaa ravaa nah hu))aa
9.
rahzanii hai kih dil-sitaanii hai
le ke dil dil-sitaa;N ravaanah hu))aa
10.
kuchh to pa;Rhye kih log kahte hai;N
aaj ;Gaalib ;Gazal-saraa nah hu))aa
____

Translation

1.
Agony never become obliged to the remedies,
Neither I became cured and nor that bad.
2.
Why you are gathering the crowd of rivals,
It is a sort of carnival and not the complaint.
3.
Where should I go to test my fate,
If you yourself not became a skilled player of dagger.
4.
How sweet your lips are, that the rivals,
Never became obloquy by the harsh language.
5.
It is the hot news that she will be coming,
And it is today that bed is missing from the house.
6.
What a world that NAMROOD has created,
Even in the devotion, my well-being is not happened.
( A tyrannical king who declared himself as GOD.)
7.
I sacrificed my life for her, that was provided by her only,
But truth is, that the rights are not properly paid.
8.
Even if the wound is healed, blood flow is not stopped,
If the work is paused, it set out.
9.
It is the robbery or the process of heart-theft,
After taking the heart, heart-thief moved on.
10.
Say something, every body is asking,
That today "Ghalib" has not recited a ghazal.

In Urdu poetry, it is customary for the poet to put his own name in the final or second to last couplet. I presume this was for trademarking, but done well it usually fits into the poem nicely.

Photo: Shelves in a bookstore I visited in Connaught Place, New Delhi, India. If I could afford the luggage fees, and had time to read them, I wanted to buy a copy of every books on the shelves!

Exploring melancholy, part II

Part II is prose over verse.

The "Potato Eaters" by Vincent Van Gogh.  

 It is one of my most favorite paintings of all times.  The first time I saw it was in person was in spring of 1999, at the National Art Museum in Washington, DC.  I stood in line with a friend for four hours in the late winter morning, for free tickets, with a quota of 4 per person. We went to the museum later that day, my friend and I.  And though I knew nothing about impressionism beyond the superficial (I still don't know much) the paintings by Van Gogh pulled me in, into his world and his mood almost.  The bedroom, the beach paintings, Sunflowers.

 I had read up a bit on Van Gogh before going to the exhibit.  The memories are so faded now but my best guess is that because I had been to the Metropolitan Museum of Natural History in NYC and knew vaguely of the impressionist masters, I was intrigued when I heard about the exhibit.  Whether I read details about Van Gogh to learn something new or just to impress my friends, who can say. :-)

I do remember there was a fairly large crowd at the museum, the justification for tickets, and we could generally speaking only go in on direction through the exhibit. As I walked and saw the early works, the painting by the sea and the cottages, my mind was looking for the more known pieces, Sunflowers and the Starry Night. What caught me by surprise were the self-portrait, for its creativity in brushstrokes (this from a guy who has only ever painted indoor walls of a house). The starry night did not disappoint but a more poignant view was that of the Bedroom. Perhaps it spoke to my own memories of wanting a space of my own years before, when I slept in the living room in a 2 bedroom apt I shared with my parents and sisters, or the dreamlike state of the bedroom that Van Gogh presented but that was one of my favorites.

I can’t recall if it was midway or toward the end but coming around a corner of the contrived exhibit partitions, I saw five people sitting around a table, with curious expressions.  The one lamp that lit the room left the impression of relatively unwashed clothes, sparse surroundings, and a partially obscured single platter of some monomorphic food being shared at the table. Whether it was meant or not, the impression was that of scarcity and a frank vulnerability of the human existence, unexpectedly, never more evident than in the moment when a human is eating.

Though the whole painting is dark in tones, the leading emotion  when I look at the Potato Eaters is a bucolic melancholy. While the three people on the left, one with her back to us, is looking at the steaming potatoes the person on the right is pouring a warm liquid, presumably tea or coffee, with the person next to her with a hopeful longing in his expression.  There is a subtle suggestion of expectation of joy or satiety in that face. 

Van Gogh thought this was one of his best paintings.

So I told this story to piggyback another one. The hospital cafeteria has nearly always invoked the same feeling of melanchol. Think about it. The food is generally overpriced and underspiced. Despite being in a place of healing there is not much brightness in the dishes. On a good day, the folks helping behind the counter will try to imbue some hope by saying something nice about the meals, especially if you show some enthusiasm and respect. But it is beyond the grill stations and the soda fountains, and past the cash registers where you see the real vulnerability. People sitting alone or huddled in a group (pre-Covid). As their hands bring small pieces of nourishment up to the parted lips, there is pre-occupation with shift work, worries of patients, stress of the hours and pay. And thru all the taxing work that hospital staff must do, there is the need to provide energy to the tired body and bogged down minds.

It may see hyperbolic I’ll admit but with no loud noises, no music but possibly some muzak, and the veiled presence of the stresses that are waiting outside the cafeteria wall, the people eating in the hospital cafeteria have often reminded me of… the Potato Eaters.

Photo: The Potato Eaters, oil painting, Van Gogh museum, Netherlands.

https://www.vangoghmuseum.nl/en/collection/s0135V1962r

Exploring melancholy, part I

Maybe it is the natural partner of happiness or that a colder fall makes one pensive. I was talking poetry with my nieces and nephew during my visit to see family in Ohio. It got me thinking of favorite poems. This one is something I learned about from a friend a long time ago, and when I read the translation, and listened to Neruda recording of reciting the lines, it made me want to learn Spanish. Still does.

Poema XX

By Pablo Neruda

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: “La noche está estrellada,y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos.”

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oir la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el ultimo dolor que ella me causa,y estos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

Pablo Neruda, de Veinte poemas de amor y una canción desesperada (1924) *

—-

POEM 20

I can write the saddest lines tonight.

Write for example: The night is fractured

and they shiver, blue, those stars, in the distance.

The night wind turns in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest lines tonight.

I loved her, sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like these I held her in my arms.

I kissed her greatly under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.

How could I not have loved her huge, still eyes.

I can write the saddest lines tonight.

To think I don’t have her, to feel I have lost her.

Hear the vast night, vaster without her.

Lines fall on the soul like dew on the grass.

What does it matter that I couldn’t keep her.

The night is fractured and she is not with me.

That is all. Someone sings far off. Far off,

my soul is not content to have lost her.

As though to reach her, my sight looks for her.

My heart looks for her: she is not with me

The same night whitens, in the same branches.

We, from that time, we are not the same.

I don’t love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the breeze to reach her.

Another’s kisses on her, like my kisses.

Her voice, her bright body, infinite eyes.

I don’t love her, that’s certain, but perhaps I love her.

Love is brief: forgetting lasts so long.

Since, on these nights, I held her in my arms,

my soul is not content to have lost her.

—-

Photo: Midnight in Alaska. From the window of a place I stayed in Homer, Alaska, this was take around half past midnight. You could still seek the sky readily, and perhaps there were no stars in the sky. Still, I recall the quiet and cool solitude.

Diwali ki shubh kamnayein

I recently had the honor of giving a presentation on the topic of Diwali for a social group at work. Today being Diwali I thought it might be okay if I share some repackaged thoughts from that talk with you.  Will you be ok with the fact that I am posting at the end of the day, into the next? After all, it isn’t Diwali on Pluto yet.

No recent discussion in 2020 takes place without mentioning the Covid pandemic.  A year ago around this time I was in Ludhiana, Punjab, the city of my birth in India. I was lucky enough to watch the locals celebrate the festival as a communal event, and of course participate.  This year the celebration programs are virtual, the parties are on zoom video, and the fireworks don’t seem as sparkly.  The food may be takeout too.

Diwali is India’s most well known cultural festival export.  In the past, I have spoken of unique characteristics that define the Indian culture, or presented on small tidbits of history that tie India to the US.  I have presented on cultural aspects of India for a better understanding for my colleagues. This time I focused on something different. As some of you may know, prime numbers play a role in Indian/Vedic religion. There are concepts worth contemplating in

2 Atman and Paramatman

3 Brahma, Vishnu, and Mahesh (Trinity)

5 Panchānga (Hindu calendar, 5 parts)

7 Saptrishi (seven sages in ancient Vedic texts)

9 Navgraha (nine planets as represented in Hinduism)

These may readily lend themselves to some numerology contemplations.  For this post the one I want to focus on is duality.  The most basal duality in Hindu philosophy is that of atman (soul) and Paramatman (Godhead).  This idea of duality can also be applied to many simpler aspects of life.  Often in day to day activity, we undertake countless actions using the fundamental construct of me and not me.  We are aware of ourselves and of others. Similarly, at a group level we think of our group as ‘us’ and anyone not in our identified group as ‘them’ or ‘others.’

In the recent years our social fabric has been stressed by many unfortunate and often avoidable events, which when examined bring to light how the notion of ‘us’ and ‘them’ can be manipulated toward negative outcomes.  But even when the intent is not negative, we are pretty good at recognizing people in our midst who appear to be different on account of their culture.

At the same time, should we find ourselves in a faraway land, even a sliver of our own culture can bring much joy to our heart, be it a football fan of our team or someone who celebrates the same festivals. We experience duality in observing our culture and recognizing the culture that is not ours.  

Diwali, the festival of lights, is traditionally recognized as celebration of good overcoming evil, a duality.  It is a nationwide human experience with countless sources of illumination, be they oil lamps or electric lights, and it is celebrated on what is a dark, moonless night in Oct-Nov of each year. While Rama was the symbol for a measured and responsible life, Ravana represented what happens when we abdicate our social contract despite the knowledge of what it entails and why it exists.

We are all capable of recognizing someone from our culture and someone from another culture.  It is ok to exercise the basal human reaction of us/not us. But at the same time, we have a social responsibility, the duality in this recognition.  We may celebrate our culture but we must also celebrate the ideas of other cultures.  There is joy of familiarity in recognizing our own.  But there is joy of discovery in celebration of new cultures.  Most of us would not pick one joy over another but would want to experience both instead. Surely many people of Indian subcontinent origin have tales of their experiences in the US as a function of their culture.  At the same time, non-Indians will have similar experiences to share in encountering people who arrive from other cultures. As we invite others to celebrate our culture with us, we must also be open to their invitations for us to celebrate them.  At a personal level we can reach out to each other to share these stories and strengthen our bonds.

Variety, when harnessed, brings a new meaning to our experiences.  Ultimately, when we step back far enough we see that all the cultures are really different colors of the same spectrum, the human culture.  We must seek the best in others and share our best with them. That is the not so secret strength of what makes this country strong and beautiful.  

I always enjoy the fact that Diwali is one of the earliest events in the end of the year holiday season, a kick off of sorts. And then we get to enjoy several other holidays from various cultures.

It has been a tough year but I hope you will find yourself surrounded by love and understanding on this day and all other days.  May the light of Diwali stay with you through the entire holiday season. And may you find a way to make up for the virtual events and get some great food along the way, social distancing applicable as needed of course.  Stay safe and be well.

Namaste.

P.S. The photo is from my trip to India.  On the night of Diwali in one of the neighborhoods, people from each nearby home bring some of their light, an oil lamp, for the community offerings, usually near a temple.  This was a new thing for me.

A Change Is Gonna Come

I was contemplating change. How when we want something to change in our favor we build hope and unexpected change can throw us for a loop. In so thinking, I recalled one of my favorite songs that remains bullish on the notion that a positive change will be ours to experience soon. Likewise a negative can rob us of forward movement.

Enjoy these lyrics. And the moving pictures…

I was born by the river in a little tent
Oh and just like the river I've been running ev'r since
It's been a long time, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die
'Cause I don't know what's up there, beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

I go to the movie and I go downtown
Somebody keep tellin' me don't hang around
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

Then I go to my brother
And I say brother help me please
But he winds up knockin' me
Back down on my knees, oh

There have been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will

Songwriter: Sam Cooke

Remembrances and honors

To One of the Brave
Lucian B. Watkins - 1878-1920

Though forty-five long years, you say,
Have silvered o'er your head with gray,
Your friends rejoice, to-day, that you
Stand hale and hearty in your "blue."

Long for Old Glory you have stood
With truest sense of brotherhood;
Long may you live a useful life—
Noble and true in peace of strife.

The photo in this post is of Enola Gay, the legendary B29 Fortress bomber from World War II, which is now housed at the Smithsonian Annex with many other amazing flying machines. I didn’t have many other photos. But the reason I picked this... not to glorify dropping something so ultimately destructive as an atom bomb BUT if you notice folks in the bottom right, those were veterans of different wars who were there as a group, recalling their own war experiences, and also being guided by seniors who were from post WWII era and were very knowledgeable about the details of the last days of war. It was surreal to hear firsthand these experiences, and feeling awed by their presence.

There is much that we need to change in America. Most of that is about the people. We need to do better for our veterans, those who stand a post for us and when they come home they don’t always get the support and care they need.

To all the veterans I know, and those I don’t, thank you for your service.

Accelerations and celebrations

I am taking a Physician wellness CME course and my coach, Dr. Amelia Bueche, brought up the idea of how we can celebrate our successes or forward movement. The group discussion got me thinking about my recent progress, about how once we commit ourselves to something, our speed toward the destination becomes steady.

So today’s post is dedicated to defying gravity and taking off, for the moon. The photo is from my India trip from Oct 2019, celebrating Diwali a year ago, setting off fireworks on the street in front of my aunt and uncle’s home.

Adventure For Defying Gravity

Poem by Tulsi Shrestha

Adventure for defying gravity

When your solid substance

Transforms into perpetual identity.

You will be lighter than photon

Then, you retain ability

To defy gravity.

Indeed, a body

Free of ego

Lighter enough

To violate

Law of gravity.

Celebrating Beginnings...

I have been posting a photo and a poem on some of my social media channels for the past week or so. Since I am trying to get the blog going again, and in an effort to make the process a bit simpler, I thought I’d move the process to my own website. So this is the first of the new posts. I’ll probably go back and archive the prior ones as posts too.

Yesterday, I posted about Ancestors and looking back before moving on to new things. So today it makes sense to post about beginnings.

The photo is an aerial shot of my flight landing at SEA-TAC airport for a southbound approach, on my trip in Sept 2019, when my friend Vikram and I were going to go climb Mt. Rainier. It was a first big attempt at climbing and led to many first experiences within that goal. Hence, this poem…

Beginning

By James Wright

The moon drops one or two feathers into the field. 
The dark wheat listens.

Be still.

Now.

There they are, the moon's young, trying

Their wings.

Between trees, a slender woman lifts up the lovely shadow

Of her face, and now she steps into the air, now she is gone

Wholly, into the air.

I stand alone by an elder tree, I do not dare breathe

Or move.

I listen.

The wheat leans back toward its own darkness,

And I lean toward mine.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more...

Around the time I started this blog, I had expressed out loud a wish to create a sustainable blog to accommodate my desire to write as an exploration. A friend quipped, “let me know when you figure out how to do that.”

Writing is hard on a good day. On a bad day, if it is not for livelihood it can slink away to hide in a corner, another wish, another desire of how we wish to spend our time, but foiled by circumstance.

After a reasonable start, my writing was sidelined by a writer’s block and circumstance. In the middle of an already busy summer, my mother was diagnosed with Covid. She is almost 80, has stage 5 Parkinson’s and when she was in the unit I thought I would lose her. But luckily my Mom came through with flying colors. I spent some time just soaking in my blessings, visiting with my parents, and tending to many of their needs. At the same time, I was dealing with several other issues, and what usually happens by then is that if you are trying to start something new, it is going to suffer the ‘last in, first out’ fate as soon as life goes into a spin cycle.

So it was with me.

Scratching my way back from the edge of that ravine (abyss might be too strong), I started retooling. As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, life lived well demands that we live with intention. So it was my intention to evaluate my priorities, make a plan to make the blog live again, and get back into the game.

Here I am.

I write this a day after we had a result in the 2020 Presidential election, a result that was delayed by 4 days on account of the most mail-in votes ever. It has been quite a year, on account of Covid upending our lives, and the presidential election that put many people’s hearts in a vise. There is much to say but that’s for another day.

For now, I just want to post this and get back to the business of keeping the blog going, once again.

CAL DIGIT TS3+ - The Ultimate Swiss Army tool of connectivity!

CAL DIGIT TS3+

The TS3 Plus is the ideal solution for Thunderbolt™ 3 Mac & PC users who need to connect multiple devices to their laptops such as SD Card Readers, USB hard drives, dual monitors, digital audio devices, Thunderbolt™ 3 components, and more.

I was looking for a way to connect the same external devices to my old iMac and my new MacBook Pro.  Enter TS3+.  It’s not too big so it will travel overnight though I don’t think it’s something you take to work everyday.  A definitive connectivity and charging solution.

On Titles and such

Where did the subtitle for this blog come from? From me, of course. (Or as my Billie Eilish obsessed child would say… duh). In nuclear medicine, we introduce a small amount of radioactive material into the body (by injection or ingestion usually) and as it both distributes in the body and follows the laws of physical decay, there are photons being produced and emitted from the body in the form of energy particles called photons. The nuclear medicine imaging equipment is essentially a camera, which is equipped with a uniform grid shaped structure called a collimator. This part of the camera basically helps eliminate the erratic photons, and only allows those that are traveling in a straight line from origin to the camera surface.

This process of “focusing” the energy from the physical decay of radioactivity, used to make an image of the body parts of interest, is also called collimation. A more generic meaning of ‘collimation’ is to adjust accurately the line of sight of (a telescope). To make the image sharper.

This blog is meant to do that, to share with you my effort at collimation to bring into focus what matters and to eliminate what is not on target.

So it goes.

My first guest post

I belong to a physician entrepreneurs group on FB, where we have created a support network to help each of us get to our goal. One of the exercises we are doing is an accountability partnership. One of the admins paired us up and for the last 6 plus weeks I have been working on getting this blog up and running with support and feedback from my partner, Amelia Bueche. She is a powerhouse doctor/athlete/coach who blogs over at thisosteopathiclife.com.

As part of our doing our work together, Amelia and I decided to write up our experice in the accountability realm. That post is now my first guest post on KevinMD.com. Amelia had several already, and added this to her count.

You can see our joint post on KevinMD.com Here is a link…

https://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2020/08/accountability-partnership-a-secret-ingredient-for-entrepreneurial-success.html

Book Review - 003

THE ALCHEMIST BY PAUL COELHO ??

Originally posted on 7/23/2020

This is the one you may collectively all know about or may have read. It is now a classic, a fable about a shepherd who goes looking for his destiny in a resourceful and proactive way. Perhaps the most famous work of Paul Coelho, this book speaks to how we are so connected to the universe around us and how if we choose to accept life in certain way the universe will bend itself to fulfill our wishes and destiny.A must read by all accounts.

This is the one you may collectively all know about or may have read. It is now a classic, a fable about a shepherd who goes looking for his destiny in a resourceful and proactive way. Perhaps the most famous work of Paul Coelho, this book speaks to how we are so connected to the universe around us and how if we choose to accept life in certain way the universe will bend itself to fulfill our wishes and destiny.A must read by all accounts.